Serious Thoughts For Thursday - REALLY Serious Ones!
While visiting Susan yesterday, over at Learning For A Lifetime, I took the time to read the posts that she had carefully selected for her Oldies Meme. This serious one struck a chord with me, and lead to my thoughts for today.She was talking about the sad death of young boy, and his sister's wish that he had "just made it until he was 20"... because at 20 the things your parents have tried to teach you make more sense than they do at 17 or 18. And then she went on to note that while her husband was in college, his parents got smarter -- and the same happend for her - right around the same age. And she noted that this is IMPORTANT - because it is at that time in your life, that you are trying to figure out who it IS that you're going to be!
And as I read her words it struck me... I never had that moment. I never had that sudden realization that my parents were "right" and had "something to offer". Well, I couldn't possibly have had that realization about my father. He left when I was 5. He lived nearby ... but he was pretty much "unavailable". He came around once every 6 months and took me to the dentist... and that was about as far as his "parenting" responsibilities went. (other than sending that child support check)My father died a few years ago without ever having "known" me -- nor I him. Don't "awwww... I'm so sorry." I'm not. That part of the story doesn't bother me at all. It did waaaaaay back when -- but I got over it!
I never had this "moment" with my Mother either. My mother was a religious FANATIC. Oh yes... really. She was also an alcoholic. She did not raise me. Don't ASK me how I got raised -- it just sort of happend! Children grow as long as there is food and shelter. Guidance is a whole 'nuther issue! My mother came home from her job each day (she was a legal secretary - and good at it) and upon arriving home she changed into a housecoat, went into the kitchen and mixed a martini, or a manhattan (she fluctuated between the two) and sat down in her rocker and opened her Bible... and that is where she stayed for rest of the night -- unless one of her shows were on television. Drinkin' martini's and reading the Bible. We were not allowed to talk to her when she was reading her Bible. This pretty much guaranteed that she would never have to converse with her children. I spent MANY years trying (trying HARD) to figure out HOW the Bible and child neglect "fit" together. SOMEwhere in my mother's twisted mind though they did. And let me add in here now, that my mother was a deacon at our church, later she was a eucharistic minister, and indeed somehow convinced the priests and pastor that she was the salt of the earth! And THIS sort of leads me to my main thought for this day. (I'm having a real problem bringing this thought out coherently...)
I spent a LOT of years resenting my mother. Virtually ALL of my young years! But at almost 19, I "became" a mother. (this also meant I missed out on that time of trying to figure out who I was! I figured it out post haste! I was now MOM!) And when that happend, alllllllll of my energy ... my time... my love... and my care (my ability TO care) ... went into "being a mom". I completely gave up resenting my own. I just knew I was absolutely NOT going to be like her! Not in ANY way, shape, or form! And I wasn't. I was completely different! And 10 years later, I became a mom again... and I was still as resolved then to be EVERYthing my own mother was not. I didn't drink. I didn't read the Bible! I wasn't about to go to church -- as a matter of fact, I had promised my husband when we married that I would NEVER bring religion into our house! And I spent every avaialable minute WITH my kids --- too many minutes say my kids! LOL! Well... they're probably right! But the thing is is that I never had any idea HOW to be a mom! Or how to be a parent! I never HAD one show me the ropes! I never had the chance to look back and say ... "oh... that was pretty smart! Mom knew what she was talkin' about!" And I couldn't thank Dad for teaching me anything either! And so I struggled. I got through it the best way I could. Sometimes hubby and I would talk about HOW to handle this or that ... but honestly, hubby's been pretty busy keepin the roof over our head, and puttin' the food on the table. Most of the parenting was left to me. And though I didn't open the Bible, and I surely didn't go to church, I did frequently ask for the Almighty's help and assistance! And I STRONGLY suspect He GAVE me all He could! (bein' as stubborn as I was!)
But ya know what? My mother died yeeeeears ago. I don't remember when -- sad, isn't it? Honestly I don't. I don't really care when. It's been about 10 years I guess. I didn't even go to her funeral. It just wasn't something I wanted to do. I didn't go to my father's either. And no, I'm not sorry -- no regrets. But ya know what? The older I get, and in the last 2 or 3 years especially... I've come to "understand" ... on SOME level ... who my parents were ... and why they were the way they were. At ... let's say 47-49 years old... I've had a "moment". Not one where I say "boy they sure knew what they were talkin' about!" ... but one where I say "it's okay. You were who you were. Your life wasn't easy and you dealt with it the only way you knew how." Through the struggles that I've experienced in my own life, I've been able to "see" how they might have ended up who they were... and doing what they did. Is it "acceptance"? Is it "forgiveness"? I don't know. Maybe a little of those. Mostly, it just feels like "understanding". And being grateful to God for continuing to lead me through all my stubborness... and for not letting me make the same choices. I guess that what I've "accepted" is that I AM who I AM at least in part, BECAUSE they were who they were. And that rather than growing up and saying "I want to be like that", I grew up saying "I DON'T want to be like that"... and so the alternative was to be what I am. And at nearly 50 years old, it's finally hit me that they DID teach me something after all.
*now I hesitate trying to decide if I really want to upload this...*
posted by Melli at
8:06 AM
12 comment(s):
Melli -- this is how I view my father, "He did the best he could with what he had." I don't understand his life choices, nor doi I condemn them, and -- thanks to him -- I won't repeat them.
Even a ngelectful parent can contribute something positive. You can honor them for what they gave you (even if the giving was happenstance), by making yourself a better life -- which you have.
By
quilldancer, at
2/01/2007 8:33 AM
Melli, I'm glad you decided to post this. I understand and sort of know what you're talking about. I grew up with a Mom who never did much but criticize me but always praises for my older brother. She wouldn't even come to my wedding.
I determined that when I had kids, if they didn't know anything else, they would know that I love them and accepted them~and they know that.
I'm praying for you my friend!
By
Beckie, at
2/01/2007 8:55 AM
OH yea...I had to go into the Blogger homepage and log out and log back in with my Google account before my problem got fixed. Check this out:
http://groups.google.com/group/blogger-help-howdoi/browse_thread/thread/1c3d96e8b4ca4b9f
By
Beckie, at
2/01/2007 8:57 AM
Melli, I am so glad that you did post this too and in some way I think it is going to make you feel better by doing so. I had the normal bringing up and so I cannot understand most of what you went through although I did have some problems along the way with alchol(beatings I watched). I think that with age we start to figure out things and I believe that is what you have now done!! Take care and know that all of this is going to work out for you..Sandy
By
It's a FLIP-FLOP World, at
2/01/2007 9:07 AM
I would say it's a lesson well learned. My Dad was super and we got along so well. My Mom and I were okay, but not as close as my Dad and I. I did not like my Mom's friends, and some of the things I saw of what she did and how she treated my father. So I said to myself that I wouldn't be like her. And she tried to push me off on some men as a teen, that I refused to do.
When I had children, I swore to myself that I would raise them and not force them into anything they didn't want to do. I taught them right from wrong, and told them it was their choice which way they turned. But if they chose the wrong path that they better not cry later. Didn't stop them from watching anything on television, taught them street smarts and they turned out to be fine young adults that never got into any trouble.
I'd say you did a hella good job with your children and you should be proud of yourself. High 5 to you!! You are a beautiful lady and I am so happy that we met in blogsville. And I hope that one day we can reallt meet face to face so I can give you a big (((HUG)))!
So after all of that, I'd say you need a vacation so come on over to my blog and visit Hawaii with me. Love ya, dear lady!
By
Ma, at
2/01/2007 9:12 AM
I think that there is always a time in your life when you are able to confront your past and learn from it.
In God's Economy no hurt is ever lost. Your past is what it is....and it has given you roots and wings. I have had many "extra grace needed" people in my life and God has always stretched me in learning to deal with them. May you always find the hidden joy in the journey of life.
I think this was an amazing "Aha!" momment.
By
Lazy Daisy, at
2/01/2007 2:08 PM
No regrets posting this I hope. A wonderful post. I understand what you're saying here. I haven't had it exactly like you, but some struggles involved anyway.
I've ended up thinking that my parents did as good as they could - even if it leaves a lot to want for me. I can't blame them. They couldn't do it any other way.
By
Mrs Lifecruiser, at
2/01/2007 6:20 PM
Say Melli - I'll be back later to read this post, just wanted to let you know you're up for an award!
http://sharetheloveblogawards.blogspot.com/
By
Barbara, at
2/01/2007 7:13 PM
Dear Melli,
I am glad you posted this, your words have come from the heart.You have become the woman you are today,from your strong belief in God, and yourself.
Your friend , Sandy, is the same person, as my Sandy!! We are lucky to have her in our life.
Thanks for being my friend too!!
Baba
By
the night owl, at
2/01/2007 7:27 PM
Melli - I'm back. This must have been a hard post towrite and a hard post to share.
Most people would not turn out to be the wonderful person you are in the same circumstances. There are those who will not be denied a happy life. Congratulations on being one of them.
By
Barbara, at
2/01/2007 9:12 PM
Hm. I THOUGHT I posted a comment. Stupid Blogger musta ate it...hmph :(
By
Jennifer, at
2/02/2007 1:05 AM
I'm so sorry for the confusion in your mom's life. I hope you don't let it turn you off from the Bible and church forever. Both are precious to me -- I've gained so much and learned so much about the Lord from both.
I do understand where you are coming from. My dad was not a professing Christian, but he was an alcoholic with a short temper -- not a good combination. I've had more anger since he died than I did a long time before, which is silly since nothing can be done about it now. :) I don't know what made him tick, but I have had to come to acceptnace that things were just the way they were. He did come to the Lord about 6 years before he died, and I remind myself that now I am sure he would do things differently if he could.
By
Barbara H., at
2/02/2007 6:06 PM
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