Life ... It is what it IS... or not.
Okay... so I knOw you guys are probably getting sick to death of hearing about my senile mother-in-law, and the most adorable grandbaby in alllllllll the world, Little Luz. Soooooo, while my coffee brewed I've been sitting here wracking my brain trying to come up with something Me-ish to write about. Ya know what? I have completely ceased to have thoughts of my own anymore. Well... I guess they're MY thoughts -- but they certainly don't revolve around me. Now thoughts revolve around entertaining people. I am not generally fond of this role... I usually prefer to be the one entertained. But Mom needs entertaining if I am to have a HOPE of keeping her in the here and now... and Luz needs entertaining simply because she is 3. And living in a new place... with a new family...I'll tell ya something. When I look at these two people... Mom, who at 78 years old is living in whole new world, right in her own backyard ... she has more family around than she has had in years! We go places and do things every day! She's clean, she's fed, she's active and loved... and she is sO unhappy. She thinks that people who have been dead for years are simply ignoring her. She can't remember the last time she saw her son's -- even the one she lives with! When I tell her for the 400th time each day that I am her daughter-in-law, married to her son Dennis and she asks yet again - "oh, how long has that been"... and I say 21 years Mom... and she feels betrayed because he didn't TELL her he was married... She wonders WHY he kept that from her. And when I explain that he didn't, and that she WAS at the wedding... and that she does know her grandchildren... oh how confused she is. And if I try to skip over the old questions and just stay IN THIS MOMENT... she gets upset and thinks I'm trying to keep things from her. I just can't imagine how HARD it is to live in a mind that only knows the past up to but not including 20 years ago. She wonders constantly WHERE her car is, and when are we EVER going to take her home. And when we tell her this is her home, she sighs and says okay... but you can see in her eyes that it makes her sad. And it IS sad... because what little is left in her head IS her reality! It doesn't matter what is really going on in her little world... HER reality is what's in her head. And it's sooooo sad....
And then my little Luz... that darling of mOst darling grandbabies... SOOOO appropriately named! Luz Estrella! Light of the Star! So much LOVE in that little heart of hers that she is about to explode from it! And so much love being returned to her from all the new family members! But oh.... what of the things she is missing? What of her people? Her cousins? Her playmates? What of her places? She has sooooooo many new and beautiful "things" in her new world? But what about her old scooter? Maybe a favorite little dress? She is sooooo accepting of all the "new" and all the LOVE, and she gives back sooooooo much ... but sometimes... every now and then... a quiet moment... a look of sadness... and I just wonder what is in that poor rich baby's head?
Both of these people... they have sO much... and yet SO much is missing. And they are both SO much a part of my life and me and who I AM now... How could I possibly have thoughts in other directions? My whole reason to be and exist anymore is just to try to make these two people smile! That is my day. That is my life. And Mom just got up... and so I go...
If I'm boring you, maybe you can come back in another decade or so...???
posted by Melli at
7:15 AM
18 comment(s):
Oh Melli, I wish I could hug you right now. I understand the difficulties of caring for someone with dementia. It is not easy and every case is different.
I met with the people who are going to provide care for my mother yesterday and it is going to be SO wonderful. They offer many services and they are nationwide. So, I asked what you should do and they said to contact your Regional Commission on Aging and they could help you. I hope you can find some help.
You are NOT alone, my friend.
By
Jane, at
12/11/2007 8:53 AM
Melli, that was a lovely post and I love your sane life perspective (despite your blog's name!!) You've done so much thinking, evaluation, and you make the best out of your current situation, which isn't easy at all but you are facing every day with a smile. And you have such a big heart that you have a place for everybody in it... and little time to think about yourself. That's how generous you are. And because I love your blog I come almost daily and will keep doing so!!
Did I tell you a dear blogfriend is responsible for my postcard collection's constant increase?? I am lucky and thankful I know such generous soul :)
By
MaR, at
12/11/2007 8:59 AM
Melli, this is absolutely ------------
Not boring!!!!
A life blog is just that...you feel a need to come out and 'say what's on your mind'...we're here to read and support. That's what it's all about. And, I love you for being there for Luz and your MIL...I feel there is no one better to be in that place, and your God knows the same.
Luvya bunches!!!!
By
Hootin Anni, at
12/11/2007 9:00 AM
Melli, I forgot I just updated my post for you to have a better idea of the wreath's dimension (the net was on your side and I instantly found a picture after you asked!!)
By
MaR, at
12/11/2007 9:02 AM
Not boring at all -- it's very enlightening. And it's convicting to me because in the same situation I would be mourning the loss of my "own" lifestyle and time and interests. I need to be more invested in the lives of others.
Barbara H. @ Stray Thoughts
By
Anonymous, at
12/11/2007 9:10 AM
Bloggers connect with each other to share real life connections and concerns -- joys, sorrows, mistakes, successes -- each and every one resonates in someone else. Keep sharing, Melli. You're making a difference not only to your MIL and Luz, but to your reader's as well.
-Quilly
By
OC or Q, at
12/11/2007 11:49 AM
Not boring at all! I'm so glad that you have your blog as an outlet - I think you need that in your situation. I really admire you for the way you are handling things.
By
Gill, at
12/11/2007 1:39 PM
YOU are the person holding your family all together right now that's who.
Don't forget to take a time out for yourself...((hugs))
By
PJ, at
12/11/2007 3:33 PM
Dear Melli, You are my dear friend and I would be very sad if I could not come here and visit with you everyday...You are such a positive person in my eyes and I love ya, Baba
By
Baba, at
12/11/2007 5:48 PM
Now that everyone has said what I was thinking....I would so miss your not blogging!! The idea of blogging to me..is to just let it all out!! If you are upset then you write that...you did just what you should do by creating this sweet post!! I have no idea what it would be like day in and day out trying to keep someone happy!! I would have a very hard time with it because i like my free and quiet time too. You are doing a wonderful thing for your MIL. I only wish if this happens to me that i can have the attitude and the smile that you have. Oh, I know you don't have it all of the time and that is the way it should be. You have a great BIG HEART and that always shows in your blogs. Since i know you I know that it is true. You are doing what you should be doing in this season of your life.
Sandy
By
Ramblins of a middle-aged goddess, at
12/11/2007 7:52 PM
Melli...it's YOUR life, and I love you, and I love hearing about what's going on with you. It's never dull or boring to me...as you say, it is what it is. Mine's like that too :)
Hang in there! (((HUGS)))
By
Jennifer, at
12/11/2007 9:43 PM
Meli, Thank you for sharing your heart with us!! It isn't boring at all!! You know I live with Nancy who says the same stuff over and over.... and this blogging is such an outlet!!
Praise God for all you wonderful friends who have lifted me up when I am just so weary and I will lift you up to the Lord too!
I think you are doing so good! You have a lot of love to give but that doesn't mean that sometimes you feel like I can't take hearing one more same story for the upteenth time! God is giving you Grace to do this! Love and Hugs Carolyn
By
Talk..to..Grams, at
12/11/2007 10:13 PM
sweetie, just almost 4 months ago, I could have written this very post...this is the most insidious of diseases! I pray for you every day hun. You are lucky in some respect, you have FOUND your mission in life...I'm still searching...I love you dearly friend
By
PowersTwinB, at
12/11/2007 11:23 PM
This is a hard road you are on. We are here and we like to hear all you have to say. Vent away, my friend.
Have you considered a home health aide to come in and help one or two days a week?? There are services available and "day care" is always an option once a week. You need a break or you will break.
xoxo
LBC
By
Ladybug Crossing, at
12/12/2007 5:56 AM
You most certainly DO have something to say and it's important. You're right...your focus has shifted with recent events...but man is God using you. By sharing your reflections with the rest of the blogging world, you'll never know who might be hearing a message that they need to hear.
I am sure you and your family are filling important gaps right now.
By
Susan, at
12/12/2007 8:28 PM
Melli you have to put a stop to your feelings about them ! Don't think at their place with your feelings ! Anyway it won't change anything. Only appreciate that little Luz is adapting so well in her new life that is all what counts ! She will have her own souvenirs from the past and that doesn't concern you you are the present !! Your MIL lives also in her own world. Just play the game, if she complains that Dennis didn't inform her about his marriage just tell her you are so sorry about it. Long explanations will only confuse her. And telling she wants to go home can easily become a sort of blackmailing because she realizes then that she gets even more attention. That's the danger with Alzenheimer, you will never know if it is now the truth or not.
Try to put a limit and don't get too much emotionally involved otherwise you will feel very bad and sad and that's not what they want !
PS you missed my compiled news and I missed your comments, lol !
By
Ingrid, at
12/12/2007 11:14 PM
Boring? Well, if there is any one thinking this is boring, they can stop living then, because this is about LIFE. As it is.
I know the feeling, somewhat, because my Mom has got several smaller blood clots and have got a bit demented from that. That's easier to deal with than Alzheimers, but still tough. It's perhaps even tougher for us standing by.
I try to deal with certain situations and her confusion with humor and it works pretty good at about 90% of the time. Laughing is good for every one :-)
I've found it necessary to just accept the fact and to make the best possible out of the situations, just like you do, even though I'm not taking care of my mom at home. She demands special care because of other illnesses. I think you're doing such a great job with your MIL, she's very lucky to have you and your family around her.
Just make sure that you actually get some quality time for yourself too - so you're not running out of steam totally :-)
By
Anonymous, at
12/15/2007 5:12 PM
Aww, in one way, you sound like me (or you!) all over again. No time for you, it's all about the peeps you care for, love, feed, adore, etc. I cannot imagine how hard it is to live with Alzheimers. It's got to be frustrating. Probably, more for her, then you, but you too, because you are now dealing with an adult child. Ronin and Liam still do that stuff, ask the same darn questions over and over... sometimes I think I'll lose my mind! (I know you can relate!) And then you have that lovely wee light - Luz - GOD is that baby girl beautiful! And everything Amanda tells me is wonderful. She's a great lil girl! You are blessed, but you are going to have a time of it for a while (I know, you KNOW this ... I'm just reiterating!). Hang in there Aunti M. You have the strength, the love, and the humor to improve both MIL's life and Luz's. :) Take heart and know I love you!!!
By
Unknown, at
12/16/2007 10:25 PM
Post a comment
<< Home