How Many Licks DOES It Take???
Yesterday David from Sugarloaf Mountain stopped by my blog. He turns up every now and then, and he may be a regular lurker - I'm not really sure. I come across him from time to time and stop in to visit him when I do. And always if he comments here. But anyway... David popped in yesterday - and left me a comment reminding me of something I had said to HIM two years ago! And he made a point of telling me that it was two years ago! Now, I don't remember specifically what his post was about -- honestly I tried to dig through his archives - but David posts a lot and a whole year's worth of posts looking for the one that I left THAT comment on... well... it's just not really relevant to what I need to say here. I do remember he was questioning some aspect of his walk with God - and his prayer life. Anyway... my comment to him (which I'm sure you want to know) was:"I do believe that if you truly DO believe you also DO follow. I think the real issue that will answer your "question" of your own commitment is to answer this. When you pray, do you more often ask for YOUR will to be done -- or His will? And do you more often pray to ask for something ... or to praise Him and thank Him? If you more often ask for His will, and praise and thank Him... then you are probably following directly in His path. If not, you might be hanging on the outskirts."
Now here's the thing. Since this comment was not left on one of my griping posts... I'm not sure if David has been following the fact that I'm in a "valley" right now. He may be - and he may have intentionally given my words back to me. But the more important thing is that he made me step back and remember WHERE I WAS two -- actually more like 2 and a half years ago. Because it was THEN that my problem began to get resolved. The very same problem that I am still working on today! So here we go ... I will tell you about it. Some of you know - and some have guessed... and I guess some might be clueless... but just for the records and without a lot of detail....
Every marriage has it's ups and downs. We all know this. If you go into marriage expecting that every day of the rest of your life is going to be wedded bliss SHAME ON YOU! Dennis and I are not "fighters" -- we truly and honestly have only exchanged heated words maybe 2 or 3 times in the past 21.5 years! And it was mild! I mean my kids have seen us fight ONE time. And it wasn't enough to scare them. And that in itself is part of our problem. Neither one of us is confrontational, and so we both just sort of back off and "pretend" there are no problems. THAT is a huge problem! So huge that about 3 years ago I started thinking I just can't DO this anymore. I want OUT! Now here's the thing... We've been married for (at that time) 18+ years, we have 4 great kids and a nice home, enough cars in the driveway, food on the table, clothes on our backs, neither one of us cheats, nobody is drunk, and no one's abusive ... so what's wrong? That's what I kept wondering! How can I not be happy? What has he done WRONG? What have I done wrong? Well... one thing was for sure - I was positive that I was 100% to blame! Yea... for real. No question about it! But still... I wanted OUT! (yea... I've learned that I'm not the only one to blame...) However... I'm a Christian. I knew darn well that God did NOT want me to get a divorce. Now at that time I had not actually been to church for about 20 years. But THAT was when God decided that maybe it was time for me start payin' attention again! And he sent a whole slew of people into my life and let me witness what their Christian walk was all about! And before long I said, maaaaan... I gotta get that back! And that was when I started the famous Church Search! Remember? Some of you do! Soooooo... long story short... or shorter.... God and I have been lickin' away at the hard shell that had grown around my marriage ... and a marriage that has become THAT hardened takes a loooooong time to melt! We are just now at a point where we know we're getting close the the toostie roll center of the tootsie pop! Ya know what I mean? We're not actually to the soft center yet! But we know that THIS tootsie pop is not faulty - it isn't HARD candy all the way through... eventually we're going to hit the soft spot! But it's taken two years to get THIS far ... and I guarantee you that every time I have posted a "valley" it has had to do with one of those rough spots on the candy that will slice your tongue if your not careful! Because aside from this... my life is pretty darned perfect! And aside from this, Dennis' life is pretty darned perfect too! And if we would just get out of our own ways OUR life together would be darned near perfect too! But it's gonna be okay. God's workin' on it!
So, you see... I thank David for reminding me where I was two years ago... because it showed me that when I THINK I've taken 5 steps backwards, maybe I haven't. Maybe God just gave me a little glance back over my shoulder - so I could see how far we've come!
Now, while I'm on this subject... cuz I don't really plan to revisit it with y'all -- I just want to mention a couple of books. And I know that
Now mind you... Dennis got For Women Only for ME... for Christmas! He said he had read it and it spoke his heart. He hoped I would read it. I couldn't WAIT to read it! (as a matter of fact, I had already BOUGHT the book - and the bible study that goes with it - over a year ago - but had not read it yet!) (Oh, and by the way - the authors of these books ARE Christians - but the books are not at all pushy about it -- Dennis felt NOTHING threatening from them. He thoroughly enjoyed them!) But anyway - when I did read the book, I found that it only spoke part of his heart. And I tested it! Because the parts that were important to ME were the parts that I could tell were NOT important to him! That made me really angry and I stormed around the house for a few days murmering and muttering to myself. I was actually about ready to write Shaunti Feldhahn and tell her what an IDIOT she was! (yes! Me!) But then a little voicethe Holy Spirit told me to get For Men Only. Technically it's supposed to be for THEM only - but I'm such a mixed up and confused little soul that I decided I wanted to find out what they were saying about ME so that I could SEE if they were really idiots or not! *grin* I say THEY because Shaunti's husband, Jeff, speaks to the men in their book. It makes sense - men would relate to him better. What I found when I read THEIR book, is that a small part of it - one chapter - did not really apply to me at all... but for the most part the rest of the book spoke my heart - for the most part. Not EVERYTHING -- but enough of it that it really caught my attention. And it taught me things - about ME! Because I'm not really good at identifying my emotions. Some of them I'm VERY familiar with... but some I either couldn't or wouldn't label. So I stewed about that for a few days... And I finished reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (no not THAT Gary Chapman). By the time I finished that book I had Dennis pretty well figured out... but I still didn't have ME figured out. I was still stewing. At that point I gave Dennis the other two books - For MEN Only and The Five Love Languages and suggested he might want to read them. He got through For MEN Only in one day. And he was AMAZED by the things he thought he knew but he had ALL WRONG! He's still mulling through the love languages. I think he's having as hard a time figuring me out as I did on that one. I still don't know what my love language is... I'm still stewing... and I know that I do need counseling because some of this goes way back to my childhood! BUT... what I want to say about these books is - they are VERY good! And I really suggest that IF it's a possibility, that both partners read ALL of them. Dennis and I still have problems communicating (that's gonna take a TON of work) ... but what we decided to do was go BACK through the book about us - I would do For Men Only ... and he would do For Women Only -- and we would highlight the parts that really ARE relative to us -- and to also highlight in another color the things that are really NOT US! We haven't actually done that yet -- but we will soon - and I know it's going to help.
None of these are really *new* books -- they've been out for a few years -- but they are just a great tool. If you are not HAPPY in your marriage, please don't give up. God WANTS you to be happy! I encourage you to do two things. 1.) Pray - seek His guidance, and 2.) Read these books!
Honestly... I can not believe I even wrote this post... OR that I'm going to hit "publish"... but I guess I am.
None of these are really *new* books -- they've been out for a few years -- but they are just a great tool. If you are not HAPPY in your marriage, please don't give up. God WANTS you to be happy! I encourage you to do two things. 1.) Pray - seek His guidance, and 2.) Read these books!
Honestly... I can not believe I even wrote this post... OR that I'm going to hit "publish"... but I guess I am.
posted by Melli at
12:01 AM
17 comment(s):
I am glad you did hit publish. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly. Every marriage does have its bumps, as you said, and I think sometimes it helps to hear that again.
I've read For Women Only but not the one for men. I haven't read the love languages book, but in one church we attended the pastor preached a lot about it.
Another good one is The Ministry of Marriage by Jim Binney.
I'm glad you two are working on things constructively. When I started reading, I thought, "Oh no -- " not sure where it was going -- but was glad to see the steps taken. And maybe this will help others as well to look for answers and help rather than just leaving, which I think is often the first instinct. Of my sisters who have gotten divorces, by the time they decided and announced that, they had dug in their heels and weren't interested in trying to find help or work things out, and I thought if they had just let people know and gotten some counseling earlier the marriage might have had a fighting chance.
By
Anonymous, at
1/15/2009 12:15 AM
I remember back then.."two years ago", Melli and I'm glad you and Dennis are still working on it. Sometimes you do need to look back to see how far you have indeed come on your path.
By
Amber Star, at
1/15/2009 12:27 AM
You did the right thing writing this.Now at least it's off your chest. Big hug, Melli. You two will work it out, I know you will.
By
Jientje, at
1/15/2009 3:39 AM
Just a quick stop here [I didn't read your blog yet, I'll come back when time allows]...wanted to let you know you've been tagged!!!! By me....yep, tagged. LOL
By
Hootin Anni, at
1/15/2009 6:26 AM
I bought "For Women Only" last year and have been stubbornly refusing to read it. I suppose I should really give it a shot, eh?
By
Jennifer, at
1/15/2009 8:31 AM
Preach it girl! That was an awesome post. Marriages DO take work and sometimes that work is HARD! But it is worth it. Thanks for sharing your heart.
By
Jane, at
1/15/2009 9:19 AM
Marriage is a constant work in progress, isn't it? I know right now, mine is being tested. I think it's part of life.
Will have to get some reading material.
By
Maribeth, at
1/15/2009 9:22 AM
Good morning Melli, thank you for opening up your heart with us..it helps to release your feelings to others..love heals all!!!
Love you my friend. Baba
By
Baba, at
1/15/2009 9:28 AM
I remember very well the time when you were "church" hunting ! Did you ever read this lately ?
I think after so many years of marriage it's normal that a couple has a crisis ! women talk easier than men and they are much more open to psychology. I think when I was about your age I was in the same trouble and decided (as I didn't want to divorce) to go together to a psychologist who was specialized for couple problems. And this did us really very good. All unsaid things we said there and it really helped ! It was in 1990 shortly before my 50th birthday.
And now I would say we are an example, we found a way to live nicely together, with up and downs and that doesn't mean that we don't explose from time to time, he is not Italian for nothing !
At least Dennis is full of good will, otherwise he would read or buy books !
By
Ingrid, at
1/15/2009 11:36 AM
Thank you so much for opening your thoughts to us. I believe that there is a plan for each of us and the we only need to be patient and belive it will become known. My belief is that you will never know in number how many people you may have just saved, how many amrriages by that post.
By
Family Man, at
1/15/2009 2:01 PM
You go girl. Anything worth having is worth working on. What you can tolerate you can not change. So good for both of you for doing the hard work. You know I've gotcha all prayed up in that department.
By
Lazy Daisy, at
1/15/2009 3:02 PM
Can I suggest a very good book? Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.
It is very different from the norm.
By
Lanny, at
1/15/2009 6:27 PM
Sometime Melli we think too much. We observe too much. We expect too much.
We need to reflect God more and become accepting of things as they are rather than the way we want them to be. We need to love and accept love as it comes and in the form it comes.
A friend of mine once said that you can always find reasons to be miserable if you think long enough. We need to live in the peace and joy that Jesus gives us.
By
Dr.John, at
1/15/2009 6:40 PM
Do you know how blessed you are that you are both wanting to save your marriage? That's definitely God at work!
I don't know how I missed this post! But as you say, I have been busy!
By
Anonymous, at
1/16/2009 1:04 PM
Thank you for re-telling your story for me (us)... thank you.
By
carol g, at
1/16/2009 1:54 PM
Melli...you and Dennis are a beautiful example of what "real" marriage is all about! I love it first and foremost that you HAVE persevered through all these years. Even if it's by "not communicating"...you must both respect each other enough...and value each other enough to not walk out.
And I love these books! I read "For Women Only" and I have browsed "Love Languages". I don't always know what my love language is either. And for that matter MY DH's is up for discussion.
I can't tell you how many times in my marriage that I've thought, "it'd be 'easier' just to go." That's not reflective of HIM...it's me. I did not grow up in a home where I really got to see a marriage work. That makes a difference, in my opinion. But, in those dry times where I think "sheez, I could do it on my own." God gently nudges me BACK to His own heart. Cause if I am not connected and grounded and rooted to God, then connecting to my marriage and my husband is almost impossible.
I love you. The fact that you hit publish shows that you are well on your way out of this pit.
Hugs,
Susan
By
Susan, at
1/17/2009 11:56 AM
Thanks for being so open. We all have to work at making our marriages what they should be.
By
Jane, at
1/17/2009 1:08 PM
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