Girl Friends
"I didn't need female friends in my life."
I was just over visiting Linda of 2nd Cup of Coffee fame -- only I'm still on my first. She has posted her answers to yesterday's meme and one of the things that she has recently or in the past few years changed her mind about is the need for female friends in her life. She didn't use to need them, and now she does. I felt the same way in my younger years, and changed my mind sometime probably starting in my mid 30's.
I've come to the conclusion that this is probably a "natural cycle" of life. I think many women go through it. You may certainly feel free to correct me if you feel I'm wrong - or if this was NOT the way it worked for you... but I have a feeling for many of this is true.
We start out in the sandbox playing with shovels and trucks with girls AND boys. All things considered, we get along pretty well at this stage of the game! By 1st or 2nd grade we are clustered on the playground in "groups" of girls, talking about "girl" things, while the boys are chasing around playing tag and totally oblivious to the fact that girls are even on the planet! That changes soon enough ... but NOT soon enough for the girls! By 5th grade (if not sooner) the girls have taken a humongous interest in the boys... and some of them are starting to notice the girls too. THIS is when it starts! Yes! At 10 years old! The girls start getting "catty"! No he's MINE, I saw him first! Don't you go near him! Don't you even TALK to him! I'll NEVER speak to you again! And it only gets worse from there. However, in the school surrounding, even though those "other girls" have become our competition, they are also our safety net. *SOB* He didn't ask me to the prom! He's already taking ... HER! Oh you're kidding! Not HER! She's just a .... But it will be okay cuz us girls will just hire a limo and go by ourselves and we'll have a TON of fun dancing without those moron boys! And we do!
But (you shouldn't start a sentence with but - and especially not a paragraph - but I did!) after graduation, either from high school or college, depending what choices one makes, life gets a little more serious! Now it's not just looking for a date for the prom. Now it's looking for a husband! And NOW those other girls are really getting annoying! They are all SUCH drama queens ... and not only that, they are back-stabbers! Smile at ya one minute and claw your eyes out the next! Vultures, circling your prey! Ptooey! Who NEEDS 'em!? This is the time when many of us narrow our "friendships" down to just one or two close ones. Am I right? I think I am! And sOmetimes we even have problems with those one or two! And then we find him! Mr. Right! Then we scamper to make enough friends for a bridal party! LOL!
Fast forward a few more years. Chances are those first few years of marriage were sO wonderful that we rarely needed ANYONE besides our spouse! He is our entire WORLD... my life, my love, my best friend, my entertainment ... he is my everything! We do NOT need a friend! Sorry friend! I don't have time. Call me... we'll do lunch... some day!
And then a child comes into the picture. And now we are busy! Busier than we ever imagined life could be! We don't even have time for HUBBY! We sure don't have time for friends! Well... maybe a phone call or two during the day - just a little encouragement from another mom who's going through the same thing! Yea... we need that! But that's all! It stays about like this all the way through Little League and ballet recitals! But then...
They grow up. They get a driver's license. They don't need to be toted and they don't want to be SEEN with us! (well, okay... most of us have developed a good enough relationship that it's okay to be seen -- but not heard!) We feel like they don't need us anymore. (this is not true... they need our credit card!) So at this point in our lives, we look around, and even if our marriage is a GOOD one it has still become rather day to dayish, maybe even ho-hum-drummish! Our spouses are certainly not AS taken with us as they were in those honeymoon days! And so now we find that we finally have TIME for a friend. And we've learned so much about BEING a friend. And now, getting together with a group of others just like us who have lived a life and understand it's components... women who have their own stories to tell, their own battle scars... women who are no longer looking for anything we've got... women who are for the most part equally satisfied with their lives... women who have taken allllll those steps to get from being a taker, to being a giver... NOW is the time we want to share with them! NOW is when we understand that we NEED girlfriends in our life! And now is the time that we appreciate them!
Am I right?
I've come to the conclusion that this is probably a "natural cycle" of life. I think many women go through it. You may certainly feel free to correct me if you feel I'm wrong - or if this was NOT the way it worked for you... but I have a feeling for many of this is true.
We start out in the sandbox playing with shovels and trucks with girls AND boys. All things considered, we get along pretty well at this stage of the game! By 1st or 2nd grade we are clustered on the playground in "groups" of girls, talking about "girl" things, while the boys are chasing around playing tag and totally oblivious to the fact that girls are even on the planet! That changes soon enough ... but NOT soon enough for the girls! By 5th grade (if not sooner) the girls have taken a humongous interest in the boys... and some of them are starting to notice the girls too. THIS is when it starts! Yes! At 10 years old! The girls start getting "catty"! No he's MINE, I saw him first! Don't you go near him! Don't you even TALK to him! I'll NEVER speak to you again! And it only gets worse from there. However, in the school surrounding, even though those "other girls" have become our competition, they are also our safety net. *SOB* He didn't ask me to the prom! He's already taking ... HER! Oh you're kidding! Not HER! She's just a .... But it will be okay cuz us girls will just hire a limo and go by ourselves and we'll have a TON of fun dancing without those moron boys! And we do!
But (you shouldn't start a sentence with but - and especially not a paragraph - but I did!) after graduation, either from high school or college, depending what choices one makes, life gets a little more serious! Now it's not just looking for a date for the prom. Now it's looking for a husband! And NOW those other girls are really getting annoying! They are all SUCH drama queens ... and not only that, they are back-stabbers! Smile at ya one minute and claw your eyes out the next! Vultures, circling your prey! Ptooey! Who NEEDS 'em!? This is the time when many of us narrow our "friendships" down to just one or two close ones. Am I right? I think I am! And sOmetimes we even have problems with those one or two! And then we find him! Mr. Right! Then we scamper to make enough friends for a bridal party! LOL!
Fast forward a few more years. Chances are those first few years of marriage were sO wonderful that we rarely needed ANYONE besides our spouse! He is our entire WORLD... my life, my love, my best friend, my entertainment ... he is my everything! We do NOT need a friend! Sorry friend! I don't have time. Call me... we'll do lunch... some day!
And then a child comes into the picture. And now we are busy! Busier than we ever imagined life could be! We don't even have time for HUBBY! We sure don't have time for friends! Well... maybe a phone call or two during the day - just a little encouragement from another mom who's going through the same thing! Yea... we need that! But that's all! It stays about like this all the way through Little League and ballet recitals! But then...
They grow up. They get a driver's license. They don't need to be toted and they don't want to be SEEN with us! (well, okay... most of us have developed a good enough relationship that it's okay to be seen -- but not heard!) We feel like they don't need us anymore. (this is not true... they need our credit card!) So at this point in our lives, we look around, and even if our marriage is a GOOD one it has still become rather day to dayish, maybe even ho-hum-drummish! Our spouses are certainly not AS taken with us as they were in those honeymoon days! And so now we find that we finally have TIME for a friend. And we've learned so much about BEING a friend. And now, getting together with a group of others just like us who have lived a life and understand it's components... women who have their own stories to tell, their own battle scars... women who are no longer looking for anything we've got... women who are for the most part equally satisfied with their lives... women who have taken allllll those steps to get from being a taker, to being a giver... NOW is the time we want to share with them! NOW is when we understand that we NEED girlfriends in our life! And now is the time that we appreciate them!
Am I right?
posted by Melli at
9:55 AM
10 comment(s):
This is beautifully written, Melli! I think the cycle you've described is about right.
When my kids were small I did feel I really needed friends, but life was sooo busy. I was fortunate in that my closest friend lived just down the block at that time and we'd take walks together with babies in strollers and end up eating lunch at her house or mine, then head home for naps. That friend and another one would often get together for breakfast or lunch at some place where kids eat free or maybe to take kids to the zoo. Those times with other adult women kept me sane.
I didn't have girl friends as much in earl marriage -- too busy bonding with hubby. :-) And then during what I call the "taxi years," friendships suffered again. I'd visit with other moms during baseball practice and such, but didn't get to see my personal friends much.
We're not entirely out of that phase yet, but during the days I am able to get together with friends for lunch sometimes, and I love it. We all mellow out some, appreciate each other's differences, and just enjoy being together.
By
Barbara H., at
9/10/2009 11:15 AM
When I was a little, girls and boys were separeted from primary school on. Kindergarten I don't remember. I always had female friends and even up to day. My oldest friend I met in 1951 and we are still calling each other and are still friends. I always needed girlfriends, with men it never worked sooner or later they all wanted sex so I sent them to hell and had never a male as a friend. Even through motherhood I had (and have) friends and we shared this together. We helped each other out when one had something to do the other kept the kids. I am a very faithful friend and know most of them more than 25 years !
By
Ingrid, at
9/10/2009 11:41 AM
Your thoughts on girlfriends are good ones. I guess my family satisfied my need for girlfriends a lot during my life. My grandmothers, my mother, my mother in law, sisters, cousins, and a few outside of the family friends.
While I was in school I had some friends, but not that many and I'm sure some will think that very odd and funny, but that was just the way it was. It still pretty much is. I have some very close friends and sisters and cousins I share everything with, but still have a need to privacy and now that hubby and I are both retired we are becoming closer again. Other than the gigantic problem with is parents that door has reopened.
My daughters and I have become closer lately.
My biggest need right now is to clean out the keyboard on my laptop. Nearly all the keys are sticking right now! I'm not sure who it was that got junk in between the keys. Arrggh
I consider you a good friend, and I hope it is mutual....even if you don't like tv or the Stones and a bunch of stuff. I respect your choices. Your heart is a really good one and I celebrate that and knowing you. If we ever get to meet I promise to not be weird or anything.
By
Amber Star, at
9/10/2009 11:54 AM
That was a great post Melli, I truly enjoyed it. Like Gattina says, girls and boys were firmly seperated as of age three. I think I vaguely remember wondering why boys needed different toilets. At age twelve, when we did our holy communion, they sat at the other side in church, and some of the boys and most of the girls began to show an interest. But somehow, there is a Fast Forward between that moment and my wedding day. (Which was at age eighteen). And I hardly made one or two girlfriends during that period. My life seemed to be devoted to that one guy WAY TOO SOON, and what makes matters worse, it was the wrong guy. Even worse, I knew it was the wrong guy !!! So when I ended up devorcing the wrong guy and moved to the other side of the country, I also lost the friends I had at that stage. The new friends I met were more friends of my new hubs, I never REALLY bonded with new girlfriends. Hardly. The fact that my child did not live with me had very much to do with that. I could not open up, could not tell that story.
Now that that is out of the way, I think I am more open to friends and friendships, but the BIG difference is, they are all MY friends now. Not my hub's. MINE.
I think we're going to become very good friends you and I. And that is something I cherish.
By
Jientje, at
9/10/2009 1:09 PM
When I was in Fifth grade, Joyce and I became friends. This year I was 71 and she will be 70 in Oct.
When we talk on the phone we just start out where we left off the last time we talked.
I think during the time we were busy raising our family we didn't keep in touch as much.
You had a great post!! Hugs Grams
By
Talk..to..Grams, at
9/10/2009 2:02 PM
Can't answer this one my darlin'. One guess why LOL. I do know friends are important regardless of sex. But I see what you are saying with this. :) I think everyone else agrees with you on this :)
By
Anonymous, at
9/10/2009 2:58 PM
Well I learned something about woman today. You are an interesting teacher.
By
Dr.John, at
9/10/2009 5:45 PM
Very well written post, Melli -- and I think right on the money. I didn't have kids, so my late 20's early 30's were hard because when I did have time for my friends, they didn't have time for me. Finally now -- at 50 -- I seem to be connecting with girlfriends again, but they'll probably dump me again when the grandkids come along .....
By
Quilly, at
9/10/2009 9:41 PM
I think it's just a fundamental difference between men and women.
At this stage in my life I have to agree with Thom - you need friends in your life regardless of which sex they are. I'm blessed to have one of each that I'm thankful for and cherish everyday.
By
Carletta, at
9/10/2009 10:47 PM
I've needed friends all along, but at different phases, the ones I meet are the ones who can be a part of my life. A young wife needs another young wife with husbands who will "play" together. A single gal needs other single gals. Mommies of young children need others of the same... and so on.
Now that my kids are various ages (10-18), I have multi-age friends as well. And I NEED those girls' night out events to happen... but only after marching band season is over! LOL
By
Karen (formerly kcinnova), at
9/12/2009 2:17 AM
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